My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
