The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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