Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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