I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
