Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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