Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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