she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
