i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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