The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
