my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
