dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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