I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
