Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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