Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
