Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
