I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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