Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
