If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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