when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
