I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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