i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
