Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
