I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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