you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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