I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
