you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
