Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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