The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
