Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
