dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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