i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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