Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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