theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
