pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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