I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I wish there were birth control emojis
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
