I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
