Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
