There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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