Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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