here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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