i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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