i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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