My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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