im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
