Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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