he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We smell like vodka and hangover
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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