hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have fence marks all over my body
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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