Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
