You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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