if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
