i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
