see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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