If i come over, it means nothing
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
