is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
