I hate your face
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
