just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
