i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
