I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
