ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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