a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I cockslap morals
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize