Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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