there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
