Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
