OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
