areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
